The Love Boat
by Cress
Summary: Joey:Chandler slash. The guys hang out on Joey's sailboat after episode 703.
1. Between Friends

[Do you ever wonder what happened to the duck and the rooster? Many people do, including me. But do you ever wonder what happened to Joey's sailboat, the *Mr. Bowmont*, which he ridiculously purchased in the season six finale? I think fewer people wonder about that, and I'm only mildly curious myself.  
  
It's probably not a big deal because 1) the boat is inanimate and cannot suffer if abandoned, sold, or whatever, and 2) the boat appeared in only a couple of episodes, unlike the birds, who were seen from season 3 to season 6. (The duck was mentioned in episode 702, but not seen.)  
  
So here is a story that takes place mostly on the boat, after Rachel tried to teach Joey how to sail.]  
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Joey and Chandler were alone on the *Mr. Bowmont*, a 22-foot sailboat that Joey had recently purchased at a charity auction. The boat was docked at the marina, and the sun had just set.  
  
"Wow," Chandler said. "That was a great sunset. You're right, Joe. It is better drinking beer and eating chips out here."  
  
Joey smiled. "I told you." He stretched out and put his feet up, as if leaning back in his leather recliner at home.  
  
Chandler would have kicked back and relaxed too, but the rapidly unfolding darkness made him nervous. "So, um, you wanna head back now, Joe?"  
  
Joey glanced at him. "What's the rush? I thought you wanted to get away from everybody, after that stuff at the gym." (Chandler had embarrassed himself during two naked incidents with Mr. Geller, and the gang still teased him mercilessly.)  
  
"Yeah, but--but it's gonna be really dark soon." Even though there were lights all along the pier, the idea of being on the docks after dark made Chandler as skittish as when they went on that ride-along with Gary at night.  
  
"It's okay." Joey reached over and switched on some lights that he'd rigged up to the boat. "Better now?"  
  
Chandler nodded and visibly calmed. "Thanks." He had feared that Joey might take the opportunity to tease him.  
  
Joey just kicked back and grabbed another sandwich from the cooler. "No problem."  
  
Chandler put his feet up too and changed the subject. "This is a really nice boat, Joe. I bet it'll be as much of a chick-magnet as that Porsche you found the keys too."  
  
"Yeah," Joey grinned. "It's so cool to just sit out here, knowing that I have a boat. It's like I'm already one of those rich movie stars who own mansions and stuff."  
  
"I see." Now he understood why Joey was willing to make payments on this boat for years to come. It was an morale booster and a status symbol. "When you're a huge star, Joe, and you live in L.A., will you fly us out there in your private jet?"  
  
"Sure!" He put his arm around Chandler's shoulders. "You come over anytime you want. Even if it's just to play foosball."  
  
"Aw!" Chandler hugged him, then laughed. "I kinda feel like a game of foosball right now, but we'd never get the table out here, would we?"  
  
"Nope, but I know what we could do instead."  
  
"What?"  
  
Joey smiled mysteriously and got up. He went into the cabin at the front of the boat and returned with a portable TV.  
  
"Hey!" Chandler laughed. "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"  
  
Joey nodded. "Remember when I had this at Nana's funeral? It still works great." (He had sneaked this same TV into the funeral and reception for Monica and Ross's grandmother.)  
  
Chandler smirked. "Can this thing get cable?"  
  
Joey just checked his watch. "No *Baywatch*, but maybe there's a game on." So the guys sat close together and flipped through the channels.  
  
On the pier, some people walked by the boat and waved at Joey.  
  
"Hey, Captain Joey," said a hot brunette woman who lingered behind the group. "Who's your friend?"  
  
"This is my buddy, Chandler. Chandler, this is Amber."  
  
Chandler tried to say hi, but only managed to make some goofy, incoherent noise.  
  
Amber smiled. "Cute. So, are you guys heading out on the water tonight?"  
  
Joey gestured to the TV. "Nah, we're gonna just hang out here." He didn't want to admit to her that he didn't actually know how to sail his boat.  
  
Amber offered, "Well, if you want to, maybe you guys could come join me and my friends. There's room on our boat."  
  
"Nah, some other time, maybe."  
  
"Suit yourself," Amber shrugged and went off to join her friends.  
  
Chandler slowly recovered his power of speech. "She is hot!"  
  
"Yeah." Joey turned back to the TV.  
  
Chandler was amazed by his casual air. "Why'd you turn her down, Joe? It's not just 'cause I'm here, is it?"  
  
Joey nodded. "And you're engaged."  
  
"I know!" Chandler answered. "Even if I was single, Amber is completely out of my league. I'm just saying, I'd understand it if you wanted to ditch me for her. I could just go home, you know? The guys might be out of lap dance jokes by now."  
  
"I don't want you to go home," Joey said. "When's the last time that you and me hung out, just us?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "It's been awhile, but that doesn't mean I want to get in your way or anything."  
  
"You're not in the way. I can get girls any time." He put his arm around Chandler again. "Come on, I get sick of hanging out with Ross. He's not you."  
  
Chandler smiled, feeling flattered. "Yeah, Ross can be really lame sometimes."  
  
"Rachel said that on her dad's boat, Ross wore three life jackets!"  
  
Chandler laughed hysterically and didn't feel so bad about his fear of being in certain parts of the city after dark.  
  
Joey finished flipping through the channels and sighed. "I can't find any games on. Sorry."  
  
"Oh well. It's a small screen to watch sports on, anyway."  
  
"Yeah, but it was better than nothing at the funeral." Joey switched off the TV and put it aside, then he offered Chandler another beer from the cooler.  
  
"No, I've had enough." Chandler smiled, remembering the incident with Mr. Geller in the steam room. "Any more beer and I might give *you* a lap dance."  
  
Joey laughed. "So it's okay to joke about it now?"  
  
"Yeah," he said, in a good mood. "Give it your best shot."  
  
Joey thought for a moment, then grinned. "Okay, um, so did you sit on him so that he'd be sure to remember your name?"  
  
Not amused, Chandler pouted. "Why does Mr. Geller think my name is Chauncey, anyway? I mean, Ross introduced me to his parents way back in college! Monica and I even had dinner with them last week, and Mr. Geller knew my name then. Why am I suddenly so forgettable to everybody?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah, you guys thought I'd always worn glasses, Ross thought I was left-handed, and Mr. Geller thought I was Chauncey. I mean, does anybody know me?"  
  
Joey frowned bewilderedly. "Wait, so Monica didn't tell you about the joke yet?"  
  
"Joke? What joke?"  
  
"Well, before you came back from the eye doctor, she said that we shouldn't tease you or say that you looked geeky with glasses. We should act like you look normal and stuff. Ross said, 'Hey, let's pretend that Chandler's always worn glasses.' Then he described some glasses that he used to wear as a kid. Monica pointed at him and said, 'When you were Bea!' or something like that. She was laughing too hard to explain to the rest of us, and then you came in, wearing your glasses."  
  
Chandler was shocked. "And you went along with this?"  
  
Joey shrugged and looked apologetic. "I thought it was just the regular joking around that we always do. I didn't know it would upset you, or that nobody would explain the joke after I left for work. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's not your fault, Joe. All those other guys should have told me, especially Monica."  
  
"Yeah, I don't know why she didn't. And why would Ross think you're left-handed?"  
  
"He doesn't!" Chandler realized the truth. "Ross is behind this, the jerk! He suggested the glasses thing, he made up the lefty thing, and he probably told his dad that I prefer to be called Chauncey!"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"Well, either Ross is getting back at me for making fun of him all the time, or in his own crazy way, he thinks that he's just initiating me into the Geller family." Chandler stood up furiously. "I'm gonna go teach Ross a lesson!"  
  
"Really?" Joey looked doubtful.  
  
Chandler thought about it, and didn't look so fierce anymore. "Um, will you help me?"  
  
"Sure! Give me a minute." Joey got up and hurriedly put away the TV and the cooler inside the cabin. Then he locked the door and switched off the lights on the boat.  
  
"Whoa!" Chandler said with a gulp. "It's *really* dark."  
  
"Don't worry, I gotcha." Joey reached out and helped Chandler step back onto the pier, then they went home together.  
  
***  
  
With Joey standing behind him, Chandler angrily confronted Ross at his apartment.  
  
Ross admitted to his prank and said, "Come on, can't you take a joke? It's like when we were in college, pulling crazy stuff on each other."  
  
"Look at me, out of college and not laughing! Just how long were you gonna keep this up?"  
  
"I don't know, a week maybe?" Ross laughed mischievously. "I mean, you were certainly helping things along at the gym. Who knew you were gonna sit on my dad like that?"  
  
Chandler grabbed Ross's finger and twisted it, bringing Ross to his knees, just like when Ross had kissed Chandler's mom years ago.  
  
"Ow! Why do I fall for that?"  
  
Apparently Chandler didn't need Joey's help after all, but it was still fun to watch.  
  
Chandler asked Ross, "Was Monica in on your little joke?"  
  
Ross winced. "No. I-I just talked everybody into not telling you about the glasses thing. Said I was gonna do it, 'cause the Bea thing embarrassed me."  
  
"What Bea thing?"  
  
Ross reluctantly explained how, as a kid, he used to dress up in his mom's clothing and give tea parties as Bea.  
  
Chandler exchanged a glance with Joey, and they burst out laughing. Ross must be telling the truth, because he wouldn't make that kind of stuff up.  
  
Chandler forced Ross to grovel for forgiveness and to promise to straighten out Mr. Geller on the whole name confusion. As further punishment, Chandler asked, "Do your parents still have any pictures or home movies of you dressed as Bea, because I think all of our friends would like to see them!"  
  
"Yeah!" Joey agreed with a wide grin. Clearly, it was soon going to be Ross's turn to be teased endlessly. 


	2. Pet Rescue

A couple of days later, Joey decided to bring his pet birds to the boat for some fresh air.  
  
Rachel was pleased to have the birds out of the apartment for a while. "Yeah, those birds really belong outdoors, you know."  
  
Joey rolled his eyes and said nothing. Rachel was still annoyed at the duck for eating her face cream and getting sick everywhere. Joey just packed up the birds in pet carriers and headed off for the marina.  
  
On the boat, Joey let the birds wander around freely on the deck, not realizing that the duck would try to fly, or to at least jump into the water to swim around. When the duck succeeded in abandoning ship, Joey gasped and stared down into the water.  
  
The duck was obviously having trouble, because the biggest body of water it had experienced before was the bathtub at home. Consequently, the duck wasn't accustomed to the strong waves, and he started to float away with the current.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll save you, buddy!" Shooing the rooster into the cabin for safekeeping, Joey reached for one of the life preservers and threw it to the duck, but of course the duck didn't know to grab on, even if it could.  
  
"Damn it!" Joey finally just dived into the water himself and rescued the duck. He was able to swim back to the boat, and hang onto the life preserver, but now Joey needed to somehow climb on board again without dropping the duck.  
  
Luckily, Amber came along the pier just then. "Joey?"  
  
He looked embarrassed. "Can you give me a hand?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
***  
  
"I'm so stupid," Joey berated himself as he sat on the deck. He was soaking wet and barefoot, with Amber's towels wrapped around him. Meanwhile, the duck was in the cabin with the rooster, quacking a lot and probably relating the whole ordeal in some mutual bird language.  
  
"You're not stupid," Amber said comfortingly and sat closer to him.  
  
Joey shook his head guiltily. "Chandler would never have let this happen."  
  
"You mean your friend with the glasses?"  
  
"Yeah, he's smart. He'd know better."  
  
"Really? Granted, I didn't see a lot of him, but I didn't get any brainy vibe from him."  
  
"That's just how Chandler gets around women."  
  
"Oh. Well, don't beat yourself up about this, Joey. Come on, we've still got to get you out of these wet clothes before you catch cold."  
  
"But I don't have any other clothes here."  
  
"Who says you need other clothes?" She smiled sexily. "We could hang yours up to dry, and have some fun in the meantime."  
  
Joey got her drift, but for once, he wasn't in the mood. "There's no bed, and besides, I gotta keep an eye on my birds, so they don't get into more trouble."  
  
She shrugged. "All right, maybe some other time. I've got a cell phone if you want to call your friend to bring you a change of clothes."  
  
"Yeah, thanks." Joey took the phone and called Chandler. "Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Joe. What's up?"  
  
"I'm on the boat, and I need you to bring me some clothes."  
  
"Clothes? Why?"  
  
Joey sneezed.  
  
"You okay, Joe?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm just all wet. See, I was playing with the chick and the duck, and the duck jumped off the boat. I had to dive into the water to get him back."  
  
"Oh no! Are you guys okay?"  
  
"Yeah. Can you just hurry with some clothes?"  
  
"Sure, I'll be right there. If you're still in those wet clothes, you get out of them right now. You can hide in the cabin until I get there."  
  
"Okay. See ya." Joey handed the phone back. "Thanks. Chandler's coming. I gotta get out of these clothes." He went into the cabin, still wrapped in the towels.  
  
Amber hung around and peeked through the windows of the cabin.  
  
"Hey!" He stopped getting naked when he saw her looking.  
  
She giggled. "You need any help with your birds?"  
  
"No, it's okay. I'm gonna put them back into their pet carriers."  
  
"All right, I'll go. You can return the towels later."  
  
"Okay." After she left, Joey finished undressing and then just sat down to wait. Normally he wouldn't have been shy with her, but he felt at a distinct disadvantage here and wanted to regain some semblance of control.  
  
***  
  
Later, Chandler arrived with a change of clothes and some blankets. "You all right, Joe?" he called out, as he came aboard.  
  
Joey peeked his head around the door. "I'm just a little cold, that's all."  
  
"Here," Chandler handed him the bag of stuff, then Joey shut the door again. Chandler waited and asked, "Where are the birds?"  
  
"They're in here with me."  
  
As if to confirm that fact, the duck quacked, and the rooster clucked.  
  
"Hi, guys!" Chandler called to them.  
  
When he finished dressing, Joey came out of the cabin. "Thanks."  
  
"No problem, Joe. Are you feeling all right?"  
  
He started to answer, but sneezed again.  
  
Chandler came closer and wrapped the blankets tighter around Joey. "We should get you home. You don't have a fever, do you?" He felt Joey's forehead. "Yeah, you should definitely be in bed. Let me go get the birds."  
  
Joey sat down and waited while Chandler retrieved both the pet carriers.  
  
"I've got a cab waiting for us," Chandler said as he stuffed Joey's wet clothes and shoes into the bag to take with them. "By the way, how did you call me, Joey? Was there a pay phone around here?"  
  
"No, Amber helped me out of the water, and she lent me her cell phone."  
  
"Oh. So that's where you got all those pink, girly towels from." Chandler smiled teasingly, "Did you guys do anything while you were naked?"  
  
"No, I was feeling too guilty about the duck."  
  
"Guilty?" Chandler sat down beside him. "But you saved the duck."  
  
"Yeah, but if it weren't for me, he'd never have jumped into the water in the first place." Joey shook his head remorsefully. "I shouldn't have let them out of the carriers. I shouldn't have brought them out here at all."  
  
"Joey, come on. You didn't mean any harm. It was--"  
  
Joey sneezed again and got up, grabbing one of the pet carriers. "Let's go home."  
  
"Okay," Chandler grabbed the bag of clothes and the other carrier, and they left the boat.  
  
***  
  
During the ride home, Joey kept sneezing periodically, while Chandler tried to reassure him.  
  
"Pets run away all the time, Joe, no matter where you are. Remember when Rachel lost Marcel for a while? This is just like that."  
  
Joey frowned. "Maybe Rachel's right. I should give the birds to a zoo, like Ross did with Marcel."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You know how Rachel's been all fed up with the birds lately? She said I should give them to a petting zoo where they can be around other animals and kids. Then they'll be happy."  
  
"What does she know about making *your* pets happy?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "She just says they're farm animals, and they belong outdoors."  
  
Chandler scoffed. "She moves in with you for a few months, and she thinks she knows everything? I bet all she really cares about is whether the birds are around to mess up her stuff."  
  
"I know, but if I can't take care of the birds by myself, maybe I shouldn't keep them."  
  
"Joey, you take care of them just fine! It's been almost a year since I moved out."  
  
"But I almost lost the duck today! What if it had been the chicken, who can't swim or fly?"  
  
"Then you would've saved him! Look, Joey, you just wanted the birds to have some fun outside, that's all. I'm sure there's some safe way for them to spend time on the boat."  
  
"Like how?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't I take the duck to the vet after I drop you off? He can check that the duck's all right, and then I can ask him what stuff you should do so the duck won't fly away."  
  
"You don't mind doing that?"  
  
"Of course not." Chandler patted Joey's knee. "You just concentrate on getting well, and don't listen to Rachel anymore." He scoffed. "Like she's so responsible, losing a monkey from her own damn apartment."  
  
"You really think the birds are okay with me?"  
  
"Of course. I mean, God, with how clumsy I am, it could have easily been me falling into the water last night. I'd like to think that you would have saved me too."  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Chandler mused. "Hey, if me and Ross went overboard at the same time--and no sandwiches were involved--who would you save first?"  
  
"You," Joey answered promptly. "Of course, Ross would probably be wearing three life jackets."  
  
They laughed, and Joey sneezed again.  
  
***  
  
Monica and Phoebe were waiting on the sidewalk when Joey and Chandler's cab arrived. "Hey!" they greeted Joey as he got out.  
  
"So you're a big hero, huh?" Phoebe took Joey's arm flirtatiously.  
  
Chandler handed Monica the bag of soggy clothes to wash.  
  
"Sea water," she grinned. "A new challenge for my laundry skills!"  
  
"Polluted sea water! Only the best for my fiancee." He then held out the pet carrier containing the rooster. "Can you take the chicken upstairs too? I'm gonna take the duck to the vet."  
  
"What?" Monica looked annoyed, and didn't take the pet carrier from him.  
  
"I won't be long," Chandler said. "Just take care of Joey and the chick for me, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Monica said reluctantly. "Phoebe, you take the chicken, because I'm allergic."  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes behind her back. Monica *claimed* to be allergic to the birds, but she obviously hated them. Chandler sometimes wished that Monica was more like his ex-girlfriend Kathy, who had liked the birds. Or else, he wished that Monica didn't like dogs so much. During a recent conversation about their future married life, Monica had insisted on having a dog, not a cat, and he didn't have the guts to contradict her.  
  
Chandler realized gloomily that either he must eventually tell Monica of his aversion to dogs, or else claim to be allergic to them too. Why couldn't the issue of pets be simple? 


	3. Planning Ahead

Joey soon recovered from his cold, and so did the duck. The vet outlined a few options to keep the duck from getting away again. They could have the duck's wings clipped by the vet or a pet groomer, so long as they kept doing it whenever the flight feathers grew back. But if they couldn't remember to maintain the duck's wings, then they could either keep him locked in a cage when outdoors, or else fit him with a harness and leash.  
  
Chandler repeated all this information to Joey, who appreciated his help. It was nice that Chandler still acted like the birds were his pets too. They discussed the options and made the decision together.  
  
Having ensured the duck's safety, Joey now became concerned about boat safety in general, now that he'd learned that accidents could happen even while docked in the marina.  
  
In the cabin, Chandler helped Joey check through a list of supplies.  
  
"Blankets?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Yep," Joey opened the cabinet in which he'd stuffed some blankets.  
  
Chandler continued down the list, while Joey confirmed the location of each item. "Extra clothes? Life vests? First aid kit? Extra pet food? Okay, that's it, Joey."  
  
"Good," Joey looked pleased. "That means all I have to do now is return these towels to Amber." He opened another cabinet and pulled out the towels, freshly cleaned and dried by Monica.  
  
Chandler glimpsed something else inside the cabinet. "Hey, you brought sleeping bags?"  
  
"Yeah," Joey answered. "There's no room for a bed in here."  
  
"Ah," Chandler smirked knowingly, "you mean for all the hot dates you'll be bringing here." He got a wistful look in his eyes. "I'll bet that Amber can really rock the boat!"  
  
Joey grinned. "I just hope she doesn't want to go sailing anywhere."  
  
Chandler laughed. "Yeah, I guess people aren't getting the idea yet that this boat is permanently docked. But if she knows how to sail, she could teach you, and maybe she'll be nicer about it than Rachel."  
  
"Yeah, that would be cool! I'll go ask her." Joey started to leave with the towels, but then he turned back at the door. "Hey, Chandler, what are you doing tonight? You wanna camp out with me?"  
  
"Camp out?"  
  
"Yeah, I didn't bring those sleeping bags just for dates. I want you guys to stay over sometimes. What do you say?"  
  
"You mean out here on the docks? All night?"  
  
"Come on, it'll be fun. We can lie on the deck and look at the stars. I mean, we haven't been camping since that time that we used those inflatable sheep for pillows. Remember?" The inflatable sheep came from Rachel's Halloween costume of Little Bo Peep.  
  
"Yeah, I remember. I still think it was a bear that I heard."  
  
Joey laughed. "Well, let's camp out here, and I promise there won't be any bears. Or sharks."  
  
"Very funny," Chandler rolled his eyes. "But aren't there, aren't there any... um, rats that come out on the docks at night?"  
  
Joey shrugged, "I don't think so. We can just stay inside the cabin and lock the door if you want. You can still see the stars through the windows."  
  
Chandler thought about it, but finally shook his head. "No, um, I-I couldn't stay tonight anyway. Monica wants to go over the budget for the wedding, since I'm paying for it and everything."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Joey shrugged and went to return the towels.  
  
***  
  
On another evening hanging out on the sailboat, Chandler raised his beer to toast Joey. "Congratulations on returning to *Days of Our Lives*."  
  
Joey clinked their beers together and smiled. "Thanks, Chandler." The whole gang had already congratulated Joey for reprising the role of Dr. Drake Ramoray, but this private toast felt good too.  
  
This time, Chandler didn't even make any snide jokes about Joey's character being in a coma. He just suggested, "Hey, if you make nice to the writers, they might have Drake miraculously wake up."  
  
"Yeah, I'll try that," Joey said. "I could have played Stryker Ramoray instead, if not for my big fat mouth."  
  
"Oh, ho! Trust me, everybody has trouble knowing when to shut up sometimes." Chandler was thinking in particular of all the embarrassing secrets that he, Monica, and Ross had unwisely divulged to each other recently.  
  
"I guess so."  
  
"So how was it, camping out here alone?"  
  
"I wasn't alone. Amber was with me."  
  
"Oh." Chandler imagined what that night was like.  
  
Joey smiled wickedly. "I'll tell you about it, if you tell me what it's like with Monica."  
  
Chandler blushed and shook his head. "You know I can't do that, Joe."  
  
Joey shrugged. "Worth a shot." He leaned back and changed the subject. "Maybe I can invite the whole gang here some night and have a party. Are you and Monica gonna have an engagement party?"  
  
"No, we're not."  
  
"Oh." Then Joey sat up excitedly. "I know! We can have your bachelor party here. How many people do you think we could fit on the boat?"  
  
Chandler frowned and cleared his throat nervously. "Um, listen, about that--I'm not having a bachelor party."  
  
"What?!" Joey was shocked. "You gotta have a bachelor party!"  
  
"No, I can't. Monica and I have talked about it, and we agreed it's a silly tradition--"  
  
"It's a great tradition! If she's afraid there's going to be strippers, then I'll--" No, he couldn't really promise not to have strippers. "Well, she can have her own party with strippers!"  
  
"No, she promised not to have a bachelorette party either. Really, Joey, I'm fine with it. I mean, you threw a party already for Ross, and I don't need one too--"  
  
Joey sulked. "That was just Ross's party. I was gonna throw you a better party than that."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure! With no museum geeks, or poker, or Zima. Just lots of drinking and stripping."  
  
Chandler smiled, but tried to be firm. "That would have been nice, but--"  
  
"No, no! No buts! Listen, Monica doesn't even have to know. We'll have a secret party. Just you, me, and the stripper."  
  
"Why not Ross?"  
  
"Because if Monica questioned him, he'd wimp out and rat on us." Joey shrugged. "Besides, Ross isn't your best man. I am, right?"  
  
Chandler thought quickly. Originally, he had intended to have two best men, like Ross had done for his wedding to Emily. But Ross had ticked Chandler off with his prank, and with the recent sharing of secrets. Plus, Chandler had always felt so much closer to Joey. So he made a choice. "Of course you're my best man, Joe."  
  
"Yeah, baby!" Joey hugged him happily.  
  
Chandler smiled but pulled back. "But wait, I have to figure out how to tell Ross. He'll be hurt that I didn't pick him, you know?"  
  
"I know," Joey said. "He's gonna be your brother-in-law, too."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler sighed and pondered it. "And I've known him since college... and he made that whole big deal that I've been his best man twice, but he's never been mine."  
  
"That's his fault for getting married so many times!" Joey joked.  
  
Chandler chuckled, but still worried a little. "It's not that big a snub, is it? Making him my groomsman instead of best man? He's not going to get all resentful, is he?"  
  
After a pause, Joey grudgingly said, "Okay, you can ask him to be best man too."  
  
Chandler looked up with surprise. "Really? You don't mind sharing again?"  
  
Joey shrugged, "Nah, we shouldn't hurt his feelings. But just between us, I'm your *best* best man, right?"  
  
"Right." Chandler smiled and hugged Joey again. "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Chandler was still touched by Joey's generosity. "Maybe I've had too many beers, but I could--I could almost kiss you."  
  
Joey chuckled. "See, this is why everybody thinks you're gay."  
  
Chandler laughed too and pulled out of his arms. "No more beer for me." He put down his beer and started to get up. "We better head back home now." 


	4. Unanswered Questions

"Wait," Joey stopped him from leaving. "Am I throwing you a bachelor party or not?"  
  
"Oh, that." Chandler sat down and cleared his throat regretfully. "Look, I'm sorry, but I promised Monica--"  
  
"So break the promise!" Joey whined. "Come on, you have the rest of your life to be a whipped husband, Chandler. Don't start now!"  
  
"I'm not whipped!"  
  
"Then how come you're paying for the whole wedding, but she won't let you have a bachelor party?"  
  
"She didn't *order* me not to have it. We talked it over--"  
  
"You mean she talked you into thinking it was your idea. Look, it's bad enough that you're gonna have to give up stuff when you get married, Chandler. Don't give up your bachelor party too."  
  
"But I really don't mind, Joey! It doesn't make any difference to me."  
  
"It doesn't?" Joey looked hurt. "But it's our last chance to hang out before your wedding. It's the last time we're gonna be like we are now."  
  
"What are you talking about? We're still gonna be friends, Joey. I'm not dying or moving away, just getting married."  
  
"I know, but it won't be the same. I mean, we've already stopped hanging out as much as we used to. Remember how close we were before you dated Monica? Then you moved in with her, and even though it was just across the hall, I still didn't get to see you as much. When you're married, it'll get even worse."  
  
Chandler shook his head. "No, come on! I know things have changed, Joe, but I would never shut you out. I don't want to lose you."  
  
"You can't help it. She--"  
  
"No!" Chandler answered firmly. "Sure, Monica hates the birds and doesn't let them visit, but she's not gonna forbid me to see you. Why would you even think that?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "It's just, you know, 'cause I'm still seeing all these hot women, and maybe she doesn't approve of you being around so much temptation. I mean, it happened to some of my cousins when their friends got married."  
  
"Well it's not gonna happen to us. Monica's not the crazy jealous one; I am!"  
  
"Then why won't she let you have a bachelor's party? When you were getting over Kathy, Monica took you to a strip joint and bought you lap dances, but now she won't even let you have one stripper. It's how wives get."  
  
"That doesn't mean anything, Joey! Come on, Monica's your friend too, and you will always be with us. I mean, just recently we were talking about what our marriage was gonna be like, and you were there, Joe."  
  
"I was?" Joey looked surprised and somewhat skeptical.  
  
"Of course! Me and Monica are gonna have a nice house in the suburbs to raise our kids, and you're gonna be Uncle Joey, living in the apartment over the garage."  
  
"What about Ross and Phoebe and Rachel?"  
  
"I don't know. They'll live wherever and come visit sometimes. But you'll be there all the time. Ask Monica yourself, if you don't believe me."  
  
Joey saw the sincerity in Chandler's eyes, and was touched. He hugged Chandler close, and didn't mind that this picture of the future implied that Joey would never get married and have his own family. By now, Joey had realized that the chances of him settling down were minimal, and he liked knowing that he'd always be in Chandler's life.  
  
Still holding onto him, Joey asked Chandler, "But what happened to me living in L.A. and flying you over there in my private jet?"  
  
Chandler blinked. "Oh, I forgot about that. Well, maybe you'll only live with us when you're in New York. It'll be your home away from home, you know?"  
  
Joey nodded, and felt certain that his L.A. home would never feel quite the same as his New York home, except when Chandler came to visit. "Hey, you know, we can have a game room in the apartment."  
  
"Yeah?" Chandler looked into his eyes to be sure that Joey wasn't kidding.  
  
"Sure. You always wanted a game room, didn't you?"  
  
Chandler looked excited. "Yeah, with the foosball table and the big arcade games and the barcaloungers..." He laughed like a child getting away with breaking the rules. "And Monica can't tell me I can't have it, because technically it's your apartment! Oh, you're the best!" He was so happy that he kissed Joey on the lips.  
  
They quickly backed away from each other in shock.  
  
"I'm--I'm sorry!" Chandler blushed deeply and covered his face. "Oh my God, how many beers did I have?"  
  
Joey dismissed it. "No, no, it's okay. Forget it about. I mean, I kissed you once, at that New Year's party."  
  
Chandler nodded, but remained rattled. "At--at least no one was around with a camera this time."  
  
"Yeah." To give him some space, Joey got up and started clearing up the empty beer bottles. "I'll go dump the trash."  
  
When Joey returned, Chandler was sitting there brooding.  
  
Joey asked with a shrug, "So you wanna go home now?"  
  
Chandler looked up and cleared his throat nervously. "Um, can you, can you get me a hot stripper for my bachelor party, Joe?"  
  
"Huh? You mean I can throw you a bachelor party?"  
  
"Yeah," Chandler nodded. "Yeah, let's do that. It'll be a secret, right?"  
  
"Right." Joey sat down again and met his eyes. "Are you sure you want to have it? You're not just tired of me nagging you?"  
  
Chandler shook his head. "No, no, we should do it, Joe. I mean, I could use a party about now. All this wedding stress is getting to me."  
  
"But I thought Monica was making all the decisions?"  
  
"Yes! That's the problem. I want to make decisions too, but she has to control every little thing." He sighed. "I know that's just who she is, but it drives me nuts, and the only thing she agreed to was not to spend all my savings. I mean, maybe you're right, Joey. I'm trying to please her too much, and giving her too much control. It's--it's affecting me." He averted his eyes uncomfortably.  
  
"I'm sure the kiss was just--"  
  
Chandler coughed loudly. "Just tell me it's gonna be a great party."  
  
"Of course! It'll be the best, I promise. Do you wanna plan it out with me, or should I just surprise you?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "Just give me some warning first, so that I can make sure that Monica and I don't have plans that night."  
  
"Sure. But it's gonna be close to the wedding anyway, so she'll be busy with stuff."  
  
"Actually, um, can you make the party sooner than that? Like in the next couple of weeks? I really need it now."  
  
"Okay." Joey felt bad that Chandler was feeling this insecure and stressed out. He squeezed Chandler's shoulder reassuringly and said, "Let's go home now."  
  
***  
  
Joey planned the party for the next weekend. It was easy to hide all the party decorations and liquor on his boat, and he hired a very hot stripper. The secrecy and lack of guests meant that Joey wouldn't be printing any t-shirts for this party, so he decided to get Chandler a present instead.  
  
Joey bought a photo album and put together all the photos of him and Chandler having fun. Occasionally Ross was in there too, and the chick and the duck, but mostly it was just Joey and Chandler, best friends. The photos brought back many happy memories, and Joey smiled as he wrote on the inside, "To my best bud. This is to remind you of the good old days when you had fun, instead of a ball and chain. Ha! Ha! (Don't let Monica see that.) Love, Joey."  
  
That weekend, Joey and Chandler informed Monica as casually as possible that they wanted to have a sleepover on his boat. "We're gonna camp out under the stars."  
  
"Sounds nice. Is Ross going too?"  
  
"No, we're not gonna tell him. He'd probably bring his telescope and try to teach us boring stuff."  
  
"Oh, and Rachel took him on her dad's boat once, and he wore three life jackets."  
  
Monica giggled. "So what should I tell him if he asks where you guys are?"  
  
"Don't worry about that," Joey said. "We told Ross to go out and pick up women with Tag."  
  
Tag was Rachel's young assistant, whom she had a crush on. Rachel had asked Joey to take him out to a Knicks game, hoping to keep Tag from dating any women at work, but Joey taught him how to pick up women in bars. When Rachel bribed Joey to give Tag a lecture against playing the field, Tag decided to get back together with his ex-girlfriend, which Rachel didn't like either.  
  
"Ross is gonna try talking Tag into playing the field again. Even if it works and they go out to the bars, Ross's horrible flirting will repel most of the women that they do meet."  
  
Monica laughed again. "Rachel will certainly approve. Yeah, you guys go on and have fun. It'll give me more time to plan the wedding!"  
  
Chandler made a face, but quickly suppressed his annoyance with a fake smile. "Yeah, how's that going?"  
  
"Good, but I have to figure out how I'm gonna choose my maid of honor. Rachel and Phoebe won't like it if I just make them both bridesmaids, you know?"  
  
"Well, good luck with that." 


	5. The Bachelor Party

So Monica suspected nothing. Why would she, when the wedding was months away, and Ross wasn't included in this sleepover?  
  
That night at the marina, the *Mr. Bowmont* was decorated in an appropriately raunchy manner, and Joey already had a party hat on his head.  
  
"Festive," Chandler laughed when he arrived.  
  
Joey grinned and welcomed him aboard, placing a paper crown on Chandler's head and handing him a novelty noisemaker.  
  
Chandler felt a bit silly, but Joey urged, "Loosen up, Chandler! This is a party. A real party, not one of Monica's snoozefests with the fancy food and the boring word games. Live a little."  
  
"Okay." Chandler shrugged and blew on his noisemaker. "So how long until the stripper gets here?"  
  
"Not too long. First, we have to get you *really* drunk!" He handed Chandler a beer to get started, and pointed to the pizza boxes nearby. "Help yourself. I'll be right back." He disappeared into the cabin.  
  
Chandler sat down and waited, vaguely wondering what humiliating party gags Joey had planned for him. He tried to remember the events of Ross's bachelor party, but couldn't recall that much. It was a sign of a good party.  
  
Joey returned with his gift, messily wrapped. "I should give you this while you're still sober."  
  
Chandler was surprised. "What? Since when do we give bachelor party gifts? Or is this for the engagement?"  
  
"Just open it." Joey handed it to him, then grabbed a beer and sat down too.  
  
Chandler unwrapped the gift. "Oh, hey, a photo album. We can put the wedding pictures in this."  
  
Joey frowned. "No, it's not empty. Look inside."  
  
Chandler did so and realized his mistake. "Oh, pictures of us." Then he read Joey's note and laughed. "At least you didn't call her an *old* ball and chain!"  
  
Joey smiled. "So you like it?"  
  
"Yes, it's great! You know, I expected something weddingy for me and Monica, but this is just for me, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. I mean, the wedding's mostly gonna be about Monica anyway, and you're gonna get tons of presents for the two of you. So I figured, if you get stressed out with all this wedding stuff, you can look at this."  
  
"Aw, thanks, Joey." He hugged him with one arm.  
  
Joey grinned. "You're welcome."  
  
"Wow." Chandler glanced through the album happily. "All these photos."  
  
"And look, you're smiling in them. See, you don't take bad pictures."  
  
"I guess not. I guess I'm just relaxed with you." He laughed, "Man, I wish I had smiled like this when we took the engagement pictures. Hey, maybe we'll paste one of these pictures with a picture of Monica, and then we can send it in."  
  
"Sure." Joey liked that idea much better than Monica's weird idea to have Joey stand in for Chandler in the engagement picture. Joey had refused to do it, not wanting to embarrass Chandler publicly or make him think that Monica thought he was replaceable.  
  
Chandler kept looking through the photos and reminiscing, until Joey impatiently took away the album and nagged, "Come on, time for some fun!"  
  
So they played drinking games and got rowdy. Joey had even brought a full-size TV and VCR for them to watch some porn. Chandler thought it would be difficult to have much fun with only two people, but Joey really knew how to throw a party, whatever the size.  
  
Naturally, Joey teased Chandler about the fact that he'd be stuck with one woman for the rest of his life.  
  
"Like I ever got that many girls to begin with," Chandler answered.  
  
Their party attracted the attention of some people from nearby boats, who had been preparing to go sailing that night. A crowd gathered on the pier next to the *Mr. Bowmont* to ask what was going on.  
  
Seeing an opportunity, Joey answered, "It's a bachelor party for my friend, Chandler. If you're bachelors, and you bring your own beer, you can join us." Then he cast an eye at the women in the crowd. "No girls--unless you'll strip."  
  
Some people dispersed without interest, while others took Joey up on the offer, either running to their boats for beer, or pooling money together and sending someone on a beer run to the nearest liquor store.  
  
Amber was in the crowd too, but she smiled and said, "I'll have to pass, Joey. I don't want to know your friend *that* well. Have fun." She waved and returned to her own boat.  
  
"Bye!" Chandler was still amazed by her hotness, all the more amplified by his intoxication.  
  
So the party quickly escalated, filling up the boat and spilling onto the pier. The level of testosterone was high, matched only by the alcohol. Joey stayed sober enough to make sure that the boat wasn't overloaded, and that no one took advantage of their hospitality. He even bounced a few guys for causing trouble. "Go back to your own boats if you're gonna fight."  
  
Chandler didn't know any of the guests besides Joey, who assured him that he'd seen most of the guys before on the docks, tending to their boats or hanging out on friends' boats. The guys were generally friendly and had waved or nodded at Joey on occasion.  
  
The fraternal camaraderie conjured by the alcohol led some guys to affectionately rib Chandler. "So you're the poor sap who's getting married. Good luck!"  
  
"What a raw deal, that she wouldn't let you have the party!"  
  
"Trust me, it's not as bad as those guys whose fiancees make them have a co-ed party." Everyone groaned at that lame idea.  
  
"Do we crash their bridal showers? No!"  
  
Someone offered Chandler a cigar, but Joey snatched it away. "Hey, no! He's not smoking anything. Chandler's quit too many times to count."  
  
"Come on, tonight is his last night of freedom!"  
  
"Yeah, what are you, his mother?"  
  
"I'm the best man! Put the cigar away, or I'll toss it in the water."  
  
Chandler was disappointed, but Joey said, "It's bad for you, and besides, Monica would notice the stink on your clothes tomorrow."  
  
When the stripper arrived, she thought she must be at the wrong party, since she'd been told that there were only two guests. Joey got her attention and said it was the right party; it just got popular. "It's under control," he said.  
  
She skeptically turned to the crowd of drunken men. "How many of you guys have cash to tip with? No, you can't tip with beer, and I don't make change!"  
  
Once that matter was settled, she put down her tape player and started the music. She gave a sexy, thrilling performance, directed mostly at Chandler. "So, do I fog up your glasses?" she teased at one point, and Joey giggled at the memory of Chandler's embarrassing incident in the steam room.  
  
To be continued... 


	6. After the Party

When the show was over, the stripper dressed and the crowd dispersed. Joey paid her and escorted her to her car at the end of the dock. He flirted with her and got her number, but didn't invite her to stay the night, since it would be awkward with Chandler here.  
  
When he returned to the *Mr. Bowmont*, Joey switched off the lights and joined Chandler inside the cabin, which was dark except for the moonlight coming through the windows.  
  
Chandler was playing around with the boat's radio. "Chandler to Monica, Chandler to Monica. Here's what I think of your centerpieces--" He blew a raspberry.  
  
Someone responded over the radio, which startled Chandler, who didn't know that he had activated anything.  
  
Joey pulled Chandler away from the radio and replied to the person at the other end, "Uh, never mind. Darn kids playing around."  
  
"Sorry," Chandler said sheepishly.  
  
"It's okay. You better sleep this off now." Joey got out the sleeping bags and unrolled them.  
  
Chandler watched him blankly, then dimly remembered something. "No sheep?"  
  
Joey chuckled. "No, but I got some life vests for pillows. Where do you want to sleep, over here or near the door?"  
  
Chandler shrugged and leaned against the wall, looking drowsy.  
  
Joey came over and sat with him. "Chandler?"  
  
He mumbled some nonsense and closed his eyes.  
  
"Come here," Joey pulled him closer, taking off his glasses and setting them on top of the photo album. Then he undressed Chandler to his boxers, unzipped the nearest sleeping bag, and tucked Chandler inside it. "There you go," Joey said, zipping up the bag.  
  
As he got up from the floor, Joey placed a bucket nearby, in case Chandler needed to vomit in the middle of the night. Then Joey went over to the other sleeping bag, got naked, and tucked himself in.  
  
There was a silence as Joey lay awake, thinking about the great bachelor party and the stripper that he'd be seeing more of later. Since he had thrown the party so early, Joey wondered what other bonding he and Chandler might still do before the wedding. Hanging out on the boat? Playing with the chick and the duck? Monica had suggested a steak dinner instead of a bachelor party, and they would probably include Ross in that event.  
  
Meanwhile, Chandler restlessly shifted in his sleep and was rudely awakened by bumping into the bucket. "Ow!" he sat up and glanced around, trying to remember where he was and how he'd got undressed.  
  
Joey rolled over to look at him. "You okay?"  
  
Chandler blinked and frowned. "Hey, is--is the party over already?"  
  
Joey chuckled. "Yeah, it is."  
  
"Oh." He tried to think coherently. "So now we're just camping?"  
  
Joey smiled. "Yeah. Now we're camping."  
  
"But not in a tent."  
  
"Right." Joey was quite amused by Chandler's stilted conversation. "We're on my boat, remember? In the cabin."  
  
"Uh-huh." Chandler lay back down and sighed. "We had a boat once. A canoe."  
  
"Yeah." Joey hadn't thought about the canoe in years.  
  
"And no furniture."  
  
"Yeah, I know." As Chandler had bluntly pointed out to him at the time, it was Joey's fault that they'd been robbed.  
  
"And now you have a sailboat," Chandler said, then giggled a little bit. "Mr. Boat."  
  
Joey didn't bother to correct him, since he was drunk and/or joking.  
  
Chandler asked, "Did we ever name the canoe?"  
  
"Nah, we only had it a month."  
  
Chandler wanted to say that they'd named the chick Yasmine in only a couple of days, but instead he shivered and complained, "I'm cold." He sounded pathetic and helpless. "It's too cold out here."  
  
Joey sat up a little. "You want a blanket?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
So Joey got out of his sleeping bag and stepped over Chandler to reach the cabinet containing the blankets. He didn't stop to put on any boxers, though, and when he returned with a blanket, he found Chandler staring at him. It was dark, but he was definitely, fixedly staring.  
  
Joey cleared his throat and spread the blanket over Chandler. "I always sleep naked, remember?"  
  
Chandler said nothing.  
  
Joey shrugged and hurried back to his sleeping bag, hastily getting inside again. But Chandler still stared at him, and Joey coughed uncomfortably. "Okay, maybe I got too close to you, but you've seen me naked before. You helped me take a shower once." Joey had been suffering from a hernia at the time.  
  
Chandler blinked and lay back, slowly recalling that incident from about a year ago. "Yeah," he said softly.  
  
Joey was relieved that Chandler's gaze had finally shifted. "Yeah, so let's not talk about it. You should go back to sleep anyway, Chandler. Good night."  
  
But Chandler didn't want to say good night just yet. Huddling under the blanket, he asked, "Aren't you cold?"  
  
"No, I always sleep naked."  
  
"But with a girl. You always have a girl."  
  
"No, sometimes it's just me and Hugsy. Oh, I should have brought Hugsy here!" He'd left the penguin doll on his bed at home.  
  
That was one of the contradictions about Joey, that he could be a remorseless womanizer and yet be so sweet and adorable too.  
  
Chandler's mind wandered. "How come you're not drunk, Joe?"  
  
"What? I am."  
  
"Not like me."  
  
Joey shrugged. "Well, I had to look after you and the boat."  
  
"But it's a party. You should have a good time."  
  
"I did have a good time."  
  
"Loosen up!" Chandler imitated him. "Live a little."  
  
Joey just smiled at him.  
  
After a pause, Chandler added pensively, "I've never seen you drunk."  
  
"Sure you have."  
  
"No, *really* drunk. Wasted. Stumbling around. Throwing up."  
  
Joey shrugged. "Maybe you were so drunk too that you don't remember."  
  
Chandler considered that, but frowned. "But we she should have stories, Joe. Pictures." With an idea, Chandler sat up and wriggled around in his sleeping bag so that he could reach the photo album. He put on his glasses and tried to look through the pictures, but it was too dark to see anything. "You got a flashlight?"  
  
Joey sighed. "I don't know. I'll find one." This time, he stopped to locate his boxers and put them on before leaving his sleeping bag. Then he rummaged through his cabinets until he found a flashlight, which he turned on and handed to Chandler. "Here."  
  
Before Joey could return to his sleeping bag, Chandler grabbed Joey's elbow and tugged at him to sit down beside him. "Show me where you're drunk."  
  
Joey shrugged. "I don't remember where all the pictures are."  
  
"Then look with me! I bet you can't find it." Chandler opened up the photo album and started shining the flashlight on the pictures, but he couldn't hold the flashlight steady.  
  
So Joey took the flashlight from him and joined Chandler on the floor. He pulled part of Chandler's blanket around him, so that he wouldn't be quite so under-dressed while sitting this close.  
  
With Joey aiming the flashlight for him, Chandler flipped through the photo album and kept pointing out pictures from parties and other events where most of the people got drunk, but Joey looked relatively sober.  
  
"Lesbian wedding! You're not drunk. Rachel's birthday parties. Not drunk. Atlantic City. Not drunk."  
  
"So what?" Joey said. "It just means I can hold my beer better than you guys."  
  
Chandler complained, "But I wanna see you drunk! You said you get drunk."  
  
Joey shrugged, "Well, I only get *really* drunk at bachelor parties, I guess. But nobody's allowed to take pictures at bachelor parties, you know, so that's why it's not here."  
  
Chandler pouted. "But you're not drunk now, and this was the best bachelor party ever."  
  
"Really?" Joey looked proud.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"You're welcome." Joey grinned happily and hugged him, glad that Chandler had let him throw the party after all.  
  
Chandler glanced around the cabin and asked, "We got any beer left? You should get drunk now." He started to wriggle toward the cooler.  
  
Joey distracted Chandler by pointing out a funny photo on the current page. "Remember when you had a goatee?"  
  
Chandler nodded and giggled. "I do look like Satan."  
  
Joey kept pointing out various pictures, until Chandler forgot his whole purpose and just got caught up in reminiscing. After all the excitement of the party, this was a nice, quiet moment to share.  
  
There was a picture of them on their last night as roommates, before Chandler moved across the hall. They sat on the floor beside the broken foosball table and hugged.  
  
"Aw!" Being very drunk, Chandler became excessively sentimental, and started to cry. He took off his glasses and turned away in embarrassment.  
  
Joey could remember how much he had cried when Chandler first told him that he was moving out, so he didn't feel inclined to mock Chandler for it now. Instead, Joey just suggested softly, "You should get contacts, you know? You can pretend they hurt your eyes."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler sniffled, and wiped the tears away.  
  
Joey chuckled. "Plus, you can freak out Rachel all the time by taking them in and out of your eyes!"  
  
Chandler managed to laugh, and looked down at his glasses. "And they wouldn't fog up in the steam room."  
  
"Right." Joey smiled fondly and brushed his fingers through Chandler's hair. After a pause, he added, "I like you without glasses."  
  
"Yeah?" Chandler turned back to him.  
  
Joey nodded. "Yeah, you've got nice eyes."  
  
Their eyes met for a lingering moment, then Joey leaned near and kissed Chandler's lips. Soon it wasn't just his lips, but his whole mouth.  
  
Chandler dropped the photo album, and Joey dropped the flashlight, pulling Chandler close in his arms. But then Joey realized what he was doing and broke away.  
  
"I'm--I'm sorry. I shouldn't have--" He coughed and tried to clear his head. "I'm drunk, that's all. Drunk."  
  
Chandler started to kiss him back, but Joey said, "No," and got up from the floor, pushing the blanket back onto Chandler.  
  
Joey returned to his sleeping bag, but Chandler followed him, rather clumsily. The blanket, flashlight, and photo album got in his way, not to mention the sleeping bag that he was still awkwardly wriggling around in.  
  
"Joey!" He half slid out of his sleeping bag and reached for Joey's shoulders.  
  
"No!" Joey shrugged him off and wouldn't face him. "Just go to sleep, Chandler."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Forget about it. It didn't happen. You're drunk."  
  
"Joey!" Chandler kept trying to get Joey to face him. "You kissed me."  
  
"I didn't."  
  
"You did!"  
  
"No!" Joey denied it stubbornly. "Why, why would I kiss you? You're engaged to Monica, and we're friends. Just two straight friends. You're drunk, and you're imagining stuff."  
  
"Joey!" Chandler broke down into tears again.  
  
Joey couldn't take listening to him crying, so he turned around and embraced Chandler tentatively. Chandler tried to kiss him again, but Joey wouldn't let him. "You're not gay. We're not--"  
  
"I love you."  
  
Joey blinked at this sudden confession, but shook his head firmly. "You don't. You're drunk and saying stuff."  
  
Chandler sobbed some more against Joey's shoulder, until he exhausted himself. Once he fell asleep, Joey tucked Chandler back inside his sleeping bag and pushed him a safe distance away. Then he returned to his own sleeping bag and was glad that no one was allowed to take pictures at bachelor parties. 


	7. More Than a Hangover

In the morning, Chandler woke up slowly, and it took him a minute to recognize that he was on Joey's sailboat. His head was throbbing, and he didn't remember much from the party, so it surely must have been good. Chandler found a flashlight and photo album near him on the floor, then discovered to his dismay that his glasses had been smashed underneath the photo album.  
  
How would he explain that to Monica? "We were camping in our sleeping bags, and then I accidentally rolled over onto my glasses."  
  
Behind him, Joey woke up too and looked at Chandler's back in silence. Last night's kiss still worried and unnerved him. Why had he kissed Chandler, period, let alone passionately? And what about Chandler's reaction to the kiss? Surely he was just drunk, not gay? Surely the "I love you" was just as meaningless as the stuff that Chandler said to Joey's sister Mary Angela, that time that they fooled around in a storage room.  
  
Remembering that drunken incident from his birthday party, Joey felt better. Yeah, the kiss definitely meant nothing. So Joey took a breath and spoke cautiously, "Hey."  
  
Chandler turned around. "Oh, morning, Joe. Look what happened." He showed Joey his broken glasses.  
  
"Oh, that's too bad."  
  
Chandler shrugged. "Two weeks and they're smashed already! I guess I can't take care of these things very well. I always forget the case. Maybe I should get contacts instead."  
  
For a moment, Joey feared that Chandler actually remembered that conversation and the subsequent kiss. But Chandler said nothing about it, so Joey cleared his throat. "Can you turn around for a sec? I'm gonna get dressed now." He was naked again, because he had removed the boxers when he returned to his sleeping bag for the last time last night.  
  
So Chandler turned and listened to Joey unzipping the sleeping bag and getting out. As he looked at his glasses, Chandler realized that he could see a reflection of Joey, naked. He knew that Joey slept naked, though it managed to still surprise him sometimes, such as when he had tried to roll Joey over to stop his snoring. Chandler even had a more hands-on encounter once, when he helped Joey take a shower because of his hernia.  
  
Chandler got a strange feeling of deja vu then, and he kept watching the reflection in his glasses while Joey got dressed. Why not watch? He'd seen Joey naked many times already.  
  
Joey finished dressing, then started to roll up his sleeping bag. "How you feeling, Chandler? You wanna get up yet, or sleep in?"  
  
Chandler shrugged and put down his glasses. He rolled onto his back and watched Joey going around cleaning up the mess in the cabin. "What time is it?"  
  
"It's about seven. Don't worry, you've got plenty of time to get back to Monica. We'll stop for some coffee on our way home."  
  
"Okay."  
  
After putting stuff away, Joey said, "I'm gonna go and take down the decorations. You gonna be okay here?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay." So Joey went outside and began to remove all traces of the bachelor party from his boat's exterior.  
  
Chandler just lay there and tried to recall details of the party, but his headache made it difficult. He remembered the stripper, and a bunch of guys, and a craving he had for a cigar. But Joey had said no to him, had said "No" firmly and several times. But why did Chandler think that the "No" applied to more than just a cigar? He felt like he was missing something.  
  
With a shrug, Chandler picked up the photo album and reread Joey's note with a smile. What a great gift! It made him feel warm and happy.  
  
Suddenly, Chandler heard a vaguely familiar voice outside the cabin.  
  
"Hey, Joey! Need any help?"  
  
"Hi, Amber! Yeah, if you don't mind."  
  
Eager to see the hot woman again, Chandler got out of his sleeping bag and went to peek out of the windows.  
  
Amber smiled flirtatiously. "So, from what I heard, you guys had a great party last night." She stood rather close to Joey as they both took down decorations.  
  
Joey nodded. "Yeah, it was great."  
  
"Maybe we'll have a private party for just us, and I'll do a little strip for you."  
  
Joey liked that idea, not just because of Amber's hotness, but because he wanted to get back to normal quickly, after last night's kiss. "Yeah, um, you wanna do that tonight?"  
  
"Sure." She leaned in to kiss him.  
  
In a flash, Chandler suddenly hated Amber. He remembered Joey kissing him last night, and now the sight of her with Joey made him furiously jealous.  
  
"Joey!" he shouted.  
  
They both turned, startled.  
  
Chandler opened the cabin door, and asked him, "Come here. Please. I'm--I'm gonna be sick."  
  
Joey quickly excused himself from Amber and went back inside, kneeling down beside Chandler. "You okay?"  
  
Chandler clung to Joey and wished that Amber would leave so they could talk, but she remained outside the door.  
  
Joey pulled the bucket nearer and waited for Chandler to vomit, but he just sat there.  
  
"Is it a false alarm?" Amber asked.  
  
Chandler tried to vomit to spite her, but could only manage to look queasy. He complained, "My head hurts. I'm dizzy."  
  
Joey soothed him. "It's okay. I think I've got some aspirin." He got up and retrieved the pills, along with some water to wash them down with. "You wanna lie down again?"  
  
Chandler cooperated, but still clung to Joey's arms. There was no way he'd let Joey go back and kiss that Amber. He moaned a bit, to make Joey more concerned for him.  
  
Seeing that this could take a while, Amber glanced at her watch and said, "Joey? I'll come by tonight. At eight."  
  
Joey tried to turn around to answer her, but Chandler wouldn't let him. Joey awkwardly said over his shoulder, "Um, I'll see you."  
  
After she left the boat, Chandler said to Joey softly, "I remember."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I remember you kissing me."  
  
Shocked, Joey anxiously backed away and apologized, "I'm sorry. I was drunk. I--"  
  
Chandler looked hurt. "How could you kiss her? So soon after me? How could you sleep with her and not me?"  
  
Joey blinked and didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction at all.  
  
"Don't I--don't I mean anything to you?" Chandler asked. "You kissed me like, like--" he choked up, "like you meant it, like I was the only one. But then you just push me away and tell me that I imagined it! And you go to kiss her, like nothing ever happened."  
  
Joey stammered, "I was just, I was--Look, I didn't mean to kiss you, Chandler! Why would you think--?" He stared at him and frowned. "Are you saying you're gay?"  
  
Chandler moaned miserably. "I tried! I really tried! I had the whole big macho party. I watched all the porn, and the hot stripper, and I tried to stop thinking about the kiss from before. But you just, you had to be so naked and close and--" he gulped, "look at me like that. It wasn't even me this time. You kissed me. Doesn't that mean something?"  
  
Joey shrugged and averted his eyes uncomfortably. "Mean what, Chandler? We were drunk. Both drunk."  
  
"Not you. Not like I was. You kissed me."  
  
"So?" Joey stubbornly dismissed it. "It was, um--I'm not gay, all right? I'm not. I don't know about you, but I'm defintely not. That was just... something that happened, like New Year's, and we should just forget about it."  
  
"Like we forgot about the shower?" They had sworn never to mention the shower again, but Joey had broken the promise almost immediately. "And why'd you put the New Year's picture in here?" He pointed to the photo album.  
  
"I don't know. 'Cause it was funny or something. It was just a kiss, Chandler. It didn't mean anything!"  
  
"But we keep kissing, or hugging, or touching. All the time."  
  
"Because we're friends! Just friends. Every time we've kissed, it was because we'd had some beer already. That's all it was."  
  
"And that's why you never let yourself get really drunk?"  
  
Joey insisted, "Chandler, just drop this! I wasn't coming onto you. We're just friends, and you're engaged--"  
  
"I know!" Chandler knocked over the bucket in frustration. He grabbed the photo album and held it close to him, looking very upset. "Stupid wedding stuff, and Monica only cares about *her* presents and *her* dress and *her* centerpieces. And her stupid DOG! And you were the only one that even listened to me. That thought about my game room and my party and my feelings. And then you kiss me like that, and I'm supposed to forget it?"  
  
"Yes! Chandler, if you're upset with her, then go tell her off. Put your foot down. If you think you're gay and not just drunk, then you're gonna have to tell her that too. But it doesn't have anything to do with me." Joey got up and went to the door angrily. "You get dressed and get ready to go. I'm gonna finish cleaning up." He exited and slammed the door behind him.  
  
Chandler lay there miserably on the floor, rejected and alone. He opened up the photo album again and found the page with the New Year's photo. Running his fingers across their faces, he kissed it and wished desperately that Joey would love him back. 


	8. In Denial

Later that morning, Joey and Chandler went back home, both brooding silently on their fight and their kiss. They stopped at Central Perk first and sat down at opposite ends of the couch, sipping their coffee and trying to clear their heads.  
  
Still holding the photo album, Chandler said quietly, "I never should have proposed."  
  
Joey finally turned to look at him. "What? You mean that?"  
  
Chandler nodded. "Everything's gone wrong since the engagement. Even before, when I tried to propose to her, Richard showed up. I mean, if that wasn't a sign, what is?" He shrugged. "And then we finally got engaged, but I couldn't do it with Monica that night. The whole night. Then her parents spent the wedding fund, and I had to pay for everything, and we had a fight. We made up, but Monica spoiled it by saying that she wanted a dog. Then Ross pulled that prank, and I embarrassed myself with Mr. Geller at the gym, and the engagement pictures turned out awful... And now the bachelor party."  
  
Joey didn't reply, just staring into his coffee mug.  
  
Chandler asked him, "Are you gonna stop being friends with me, Joe? Because of... everything?"  
  
Joey pondered that, but shook his head. "No, I just--you have to know that I'm not..." He shrugged. "Maybe we shouldn't be alone together anymore. At least, for a while."  
  
Chandler was hurt and spoke resentfully, "Fine. You go and have sex with Amber, or the stripper, or both. I don't care." He put down his coffee mug and got up. "I'm going upstairs to break off my engagement, and probably get kicked out of Monica's apartment."  
  
"Wait, where will you stay?" Joey asked.  
  
"Well," Chandler hesitated, "Ross has an extra room, but I guess he's not going to be welcoming, since I'm gay and dumping his sister. I guess I'll ask Phoebe if the repairs on her apartment are close to done yet, or maybe check into a hotel."  
  
Joey felt guilty. He had been the one to kiss Chandler after all. "Chandler, you can--you can stay on my couch."  
  
He blinked with surprise. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, or maybe I could ask Rachel to move in with Ross, so that you can have your old room back."  
  
Chandler was touched, and he said, "Thank you." He stopped himself from hugging Joey, then went upstairs.  
  
***  
  
"Monica?" Thankfully, no one else was in the apartment right now.  
  
She was at the breakfast table, still busy planning out her dream wedding. "There you are! So how did camping go with Joey?"  
  
Chandler winced at her cheerfulness. "Look, um, Monica, something--something happened."  
  
"What?" she looked a bit worried by his tone.  
  
"I--I need to break off our engagement."  
  
Her jaw dropped. "Chandler, you better be joking! And I have NO sense of humor about the wedding."  
  
"I know, I know. I just, um--" He clutched the photo album tighter and murmured, "I'm gay."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Joey and I--we, we got to talking last night and, and he gave me this engagement present, and we were looking through it, and remembering stuff, and--and there was a kiss. He stopped it, 'cause I guess he's not gay. But I am, and I can't go along with this wedding anymore. I mean, especially not if you can go back to Richard and be happy. I don't wanna do to you what my dad did to my mom."  
  
Monica became more and more upset as she listened to this speech. "But, but you're not gay! We've been together two years. Having sex."  
  
Chandler nodded. "Yeah, and Ross was with Carol for seven years, having sex. I thought--I thought I really loved you, Mon, but I guess I was just in denial. I'm sorry."  
  
She broke down in tears.  
  
He wasn't sure what to do, but he put down the photo album and went to hug her.  
  
"Are you sure?" she sobbed. "You've kissed Joey before."  
  
"But not like this." He frowned sadly. "I think I love him, but he doesn't--" Chandler sighed. "Well, at least you can be happy with Richard. You don't even have to tell him about this, you know? Just say that you changed your mind about his proposal and you realized it was a mistake going back to me."  
  
She wasn't even thinking about Richard at the moment, still in shock and misery over Chandler.  
  
***  
  
They soon called the rest of the gang over and told them. Stunned, everyone gathered round to hug and comfort Monica. Part of Ross wanted to kick Chandler's ass for hurting Monica, but part of him was glad that Chandler had made this discovery and confession before marriage, unlike Carol.  
  
Ross glared at him, then grudgingly said, "At least you didn't actually cheat, right?"  
  
"Right," Chandler said and sank down on the couch, depressed. He'd wanted to cheat. He'd wanted Joey to keep kissing him last night. To hold him and touch him and maybe slide into the sleeping bag with him, giving him a first-hand experience of the famous "Joey love" that he'd listened to all those years that they'd shared a bedroom wall.  
  
Joey hung around uncomfortably, glancing back and forth between Monica and Chandler. "I'm sorry," was all he would say.  
  
After a sufficient period of grief and coming to terms with the dead relationship, Joey finally brought up the issue of where Chandler was going to stay, and they agreed that he should certainly move out.  
  
"But are you sure you want him in your apartment?" they asked. "What with him being, um, in love with you?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "I was roommates with him before. And he's not going to come on to me again."  
  
Chandler nodded and frowned. "Yeah, um, you made your feelings clear about that."  
  
"So, Rach, can you move out to make room?"  
  
"Oh, you mean back here with Monica?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "If you want, but since Phoebe's here already, why not move into Ross's extra room?"  
  
Rachel wasn't comfortable living at Ross's place, though, and Phoebe wanted to take the first opportunity to move out of Monica's neat-freak guest room, so they decided that Phoebe would move in with Ross so that Rachel could return to her old bedroom.  
  
So everyone started to pack up stuff, which served as a temporary distraction from the broken engagement. Monica eventually took the ring off her finger and sobbed even more, with Rachel holding her close.  
  
***  
  
Eventually, the big move was made, and Chandler promised Joey that he would not be alone with him that much. He was tired and emotionally drained from the bachelor party and the coming out, so he went into his room to take a nap.  
  
Joey didn't hang around, going across the hall to join the others in comforting Monica and helping her decide whether she wanted to see Richard again, and how she would break the news to her parents. At least they hadn't yet sent in an announcement to the newspaper, because of the disastrous engagement photos.  
  
Later that night, Joey came back to the apartment to dress for his date with Amber.  
  
Chandler was talking to Carol and Susan on the phone, arranging a meeting so they could discuss stuff. "Okay, thanks." He hung up and glanced at the clock. "So... you're going out with Amber, huh?"  
  
"Yeah," Joey said, going to the door to grab his coat and keys.  
  
"Are you gonna stay there all night, because, um, I don't want to be around if you're bringing her back here."  
  
Joey shrugged. "No, I guess I'll camp out with her again."  
  
Chandler frowned and looked hurt, but said nothing.  
  
Joey said with a sigh, "Look, maybe I'll stay on her boat instead. Good night." He left.  
  
Alone, Chandler collapsed on the yellow couch and moaned. Why couldn't Joey love him too? He had felt so sure when Joey kissed him last night. He had felt special and wanted and loved, more than he had felt with Monica for quite some time.  
  
The chick and the duck, who had been confused by all the moving and crying today, came over to Chandler curiously. They clucked and quacked as if to ask, "What's wrong?"  
  
Chandler whispered, "He--he kissed me, but he doesn't love me. It didn't mean anything to him."  
  
They reacted sympathetically and stayed near him all night. 


	9. Trial and Error

At the marina, Joey met Amber at his boat. She kissed him, and he asked, "Can we stay on your boat tonight? Mine's still kind of messy."  
  
Thinking that Chandler must have been sick there in her absence, she shrugged. "Sure. Actually, my boat has an actual bed, and I was thinking we should try it."  
  
"Okay."  
  
So they walked over to her much bigger boat and descended some steps into a rather cozy bedroom below deck.  
  
With a smile, Amber turned on some dance music and began to do an amateur, though enthusiastic strip. But Joey found himself distracted and reminded of the bachelor party last night, so he interrupted her. "Let's skip this part, okay?"  
  
She was disappointed, but shrugged it off with a laugh. "Well, I won't say no to some Joey love."  
  
Turning off the music, they sat on the bed and started kissing and undressing each other. Soon they got under the covers and began fooling around. But as they progressed beyond foreplay, Joey unexpectedly ran into some trouble.  
  
"What's the matter?" Amber asked.  
  
"I--I don't know." He was confused and upset. "This never happened before."  
  
"I believe you." They had done it quite a few times on their last date, and Joey had shown impressive stamina. "Here, maybe I'll do the rest of that strip for you. At least the dancing, since I'm naked already."  
  
"No," he said. "Come here." He tried it again, but still couldn't stay hard. "Damn it!"  
  
She asked, "Did you have too much to drink at the party? Are you tired?"  
  
He shrugged. "I just--I don't know. Maybe it's the boat."  
  
"The boat?"  
  
"Yeah, can we go to your place?"  
  
"No, because my kid's there with the babysitter." Amber was divorced. "How about your place?"  
  
"No. My--my roommate's there. It would be weird."  
  
She sighed. "Okay. Well maybe we should try some other stuff. Like--"  
  
"No, no!" Especially after last night's kiss, Joey needed to prove his masculinity and do what he always did best. Tonight of all nights, he just couldn't be impotent. "Let me try it one more time. I can do it."  
  
But he couldn't, unfortunately, and it drove him nuts. He was too depressed and demoralized to try her other suggestions, so she became impatient with him.  
  
"Fine! Why don't you just go home, then?"  
  
"I'm sorry. I just--"  
  
"Yeah, yeah! It's never happened before. But if you won't even try some other stuff with me, then there's no point in you staying here." She sighed and spoke more sympathetically. "Look, maybe you just need to get some rest, Joey. Call me when you get better, or decide to be more flexible."  
  
Groaning with frustration, he reluctantly got dressed and went upstairs while she remained behind, pouting and trying to decide between calling up some other guy or taking care of herself.  
  
Joey returned to his own boat and sat in his cabin, brooding.  
  
Why was this happening to him? Because he'd kissed Chandler and now felt guilty? Because Chandler had mentioned being impotent on the night of his engagement? Because Amber's boat reminded him of being on the boat with Chandler?  
  
All Joey knew was that he needed to get back to normal, and fast. Unable to face going home right now, Joey decided to stay on his boat again. So he unrolled his sleeping bag and undressed, then got inside and lay down dejectedly. Joey stayed awake for a long time, restlessly thinking about Chandler, and last night's kiss.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, Joey came home in a bad mood and said nothing to anyone, not even the birds, who seemed impatient to get his attention. He shooed them away and went to take a shower.  
  
Chandler was still miserable and ate his breakfast quickly, so that he wouldn't meet Joey coming out of the bathroom. Then he went across the hall to see how Monica was doing with canceling all of the wedding arrangements that she'd made so far.  
  
This time she was furious with Chandler, throwing things at him and suggesting that he call his dad and move to Vegas to join the burlesque show. Then she broke down into tears again, moaning about how her life was ruined. Rachel held her close and murmured, "You'll be fine, honey. Your soul mate is still out there."  
  
Feeling guilty and lonely, Chandler crawled out onto the balcony to hide out with the white dog statue, which they'd left behind during the big move yesterday. No one could remember how they'd managed to squeeze the dog through the balcony window the first time.  
  
There was also a pack of cigarettes that he'd hidden on the balcony a while back, for emergencies. Chandler fished them out, then sat down and smoked, wondering whether Monica would ever be able to forgive him and be friends with him again. Maybe he should ask Carol and Susan about that when he saw them today.  
  
Actually, if he wanted advice, he really ought to contact his dad in Vegas, but it had been so long since Chandler had spoken to his father. He wondered if his dad had ever fallen in love with a straight guy, and if he had any idea how to get over the pain of rejection. Or maybe for his dad it was all about hot sex with the pretty dancers in his burlesque show.  
  
Putting out his cigarette, Chandler finally left the balcony and returned to his apartment to get his coat. Joey was in the living room watching TV, so Chandler said to him quietly, "I'm going over to Carol and Susan's now."  
  
"Oh." Joey turned around. "You gonna be gone for a while?"  
  
"Yeah, um, it'll probably be a few hours. We're gonna have a long talk, and they said they'll get me into a support group and help me start looking for a new apartment. I know I can't stay here forever."  
  
"Well... good luck."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
***  
  
As soon as Chandler left, Joey called up the stripper and asked if she was free to come over.  
  
She said, "Sure. But don't expect me to do all the dancing and stripping that I did at the party. I'm off the clock, you know."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Joey already knew that a striptease wouldn't help him out; he just wanted to get back to normal in a hurry.  
  
By the time the stripper arrived, Joey had cooked a nice lunch for them, and he really put on the charm, even though he didn't feel nearly as confident as he usually did on dates.  
  
She smiled and commented, "So you do know how to treat a girl right. Keep it up and you might get somewhere with me." She was cautious and teasing, wanting to retain control of the situation; after all, she'd been practically naked in front of him already.  
  
Joey understood her tactics and decided to make use of his European backpacking story, though he was distracted by the birds constantly making noise and hanging around the table. He thought they were just begging for scraps from the meal, but they didn't go away, no matter what he offered them. Fortunately, the stripper found the birds cute, so after some playing around, they finally retired to Joey's bedroom together.  
  
Joey tried to have sex with her, but still couldn't do it, and it didn't help that the birds kept quacking and clucking outside the door.  
  
"Do they always do that?" she asked.  
  
"No," he groaned, but was glad to have an excuse for his difficulty. "I don't know what's wrong with them today." He shooed the birds into Chandler's bedroom and shut the door, then he returned to bed and attempted intercourse again. When that failed, Joey grudgingly asked her for any help she could give, so they tried other kinds of sex, but nothing helped his condition.  
  
"Are you tired or something?"  
  
He grunted miserably and wished he could truthfully say, "This never happened before."  
  
She kissed him and said, "I'm sorry, but I better go now. Maybe you should get your birds checked out by a vet, and go see a doctor yourself. Maybe you caught something from them. Good luck." She got up and got dressed.  
  
After she left, Joey lay there for a while, considering whether he should call up Amber and try it again with her. Still, he didn't think he'd fare any better with her than he'd just done with the stripper. But Joey remained desperate to get back to normal, so he decided to get dressed and go out to find another woman. He better hurry, in case Chandler came home, or maybe they could go back to her place. 


	10. Closer to the Truth

After some fishing around Central Perk, Joey finally found a woman that was both attractive and not opposed to casual sex. He really wasn't in the mood for the hassle of another date right now. Joey played up the fact that he was on *Days of Our Lives* (never mind that Drake Ramoray was currently in a coma) so that he could use his semi-celebrity status to awe her. Fortunately, she was a soap fan who remembered when Joey was Drake before.  
  
"Oh, right! They just wrote you back on the show, but we haven't seen your face yet." She looked excited. "Are you gonna wake up soon from the coma?"  
  
"Uh, yeah, sure."  
  
"When?"  
  
"I can't tell you. It'll ruin the surprise. Do you wanna sleep with me or not?"  
  
"Yes! Ooh, all my friends will be so jealous that I slept with a soap star."  
  
Joey started to leave the coffeehouse with her. "Great, so where's your apartment?"  
  
"Oh, can we go to your place? I would love to see it!"  
  
He sighed. "Fine, but we have to hurry."  
  
So they went upstairs, and Joey locked the front door so that he would at least have some warning when Chandler came home.  
  
Then they immediately began kissing and heading toward Joey's bedroom. She sighed and enjoyed being passionately swept away, like she imagined that Drake would do on the soap. They frantically undressed, and once they were naked in bed, Joey found to his relief that he was potent after all. The third time was the charm, apparently.  
  
Joey's problem before must have been that Amber and the stripper were too closely associated with Chandler and the night on the boat.  
  
Joey made love to her eagerly and gratefully, but then something disturbing happened.  
  
"Who's Chandler?" she asked, stopping him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said, 'Chandler'. Just now."  
  
"What? I didn't."  
  
"You did." She frowned and asked, "Wait, isn't that a guy's name? Or at least it's a last name. Like Adam Chandler on *All My Children*."  
  
Horrified, Joey denied it desperately, "No, um, you misheard me. I said 'Amber'."  
  
"Well, who's Amber then? There's nobody named that on *Days*."  
  
"I-I don't know," he shrugged evasively. "I just, you know, so many names to learn in scripts... Can we just get back to the sex?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
So they continued, and this time Joey actually heard himself moaning Chandler's name. He pulled back from her, confused and aghast.  
  
  
  
She was rather annoyed this time. "That's kinda weird, you know. Can't you just say my name instead? No more soap names."  
  
He would have eagerly gone along, but he couldn't actually remember her name.  
  
She saw it in his face and pouted indignantly.  
  
"Well who's been calling who Drake?" he replied defensively.  
  
She shrugged, "Fine. But I'm Diane, okay?"  
  
"Okay. Diane."  
  
They resumed having sex, and she called him "Joey" this time. But despite the reminder of her name, Joey couldn't do her the same courtesy. In fact, he found himself saying, "Oh God, Chandler!" If only he could make himself say "Amber" instead, or any other woman's name at this point!   
  
This was the last straw for Diane, who pushed Joey off of her. "You know, this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be."  
  
"No, no! Don't leave!"  
  
"Let go!" Diane got out of bed and hurriedly dressed again. She scoffed and muttered, "You'd think you were the one just coming out of a coma! Get your head examined, okay?" She stormed out and slammed the door.  
  
Joey collapsed on the bed and groaned. What the hell was the matter with him? Why couldn't he get back to normal? Why on earth did he have to go and kiss Chandler in the first place? Why look in his eyes and pull him close and find the moonlight romantic? How drunk could he be? In the past, during those fleeting moments that Joey had been tempted to repeat their New Year's kiss, Joey had always stopped himself with the thought, "No, it's just the beer getting to me. Chandler kisses everybody when he's drunk, so I should cut back some and stay in control."  
  
Now here Joey was, completely sober, yet imagining Chandler during sex! Maybe he did need to see a shrink or something? Not knowing what else to do, Joey got out of bed and went to take a cold shower.  
  
When he re-emerged in his bathrobe, he heard the chick and the duck in Chandler's bedroom, pecking at the door and complaining loudly. Joey hadn't left the lower half ajar so that they could let themselves out like they usually did.  
  
So he went over and opened the door for them. Free at last, they flapped their wings and showed irritation with Joey. "You think you've had a bad day?" he scoffed in return.  
  
Joey went back to his bedroom to get dressed and make the bed again. The birds followed after him, apparently wanting some attention after being cooped up and ignored for so long. They kept tugging at his pants and quacking a lot.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" Joey asked.  
  
The rooster clucked at him, and Joey started to shoo both the birds into the living room. Perhaps if he turned on the TV to entertain them, the birds would leave him alone.  
  
Suddenly, in the hallway outside, Joey heard footsteps and approaching voices.  
  
Chandler spoke anxiously, "Please, please, go home!"  
  
"No!" Carol refused sternly.  
  
"But he might not even be home right now."  
  
"So?" Susan said. "We'll wait for him with you."  
  
"No, no! Just go home!" Chandler begged.  
  
With a frown, Joey listened at the door and wondered what was going on. The birds, too, fell silent.  
  
Susan said, "Chandler, stop arguing with us. You obviously need to talk to him."  
  
"But we already talked! He's not gay. He doesn't want me."  
  
They scoffed in disbelief. "He was the one that kissed you!"  
  
"And he asked you to move in with him again."  
  
Chandler insisted, "He's just trying to be nice. It's pity or guilt."  
  
"He *should* feel guilty!"  
  
"Yeah, that crap he told you on the boat obviously came from homophobia and self-hatred. He can't handle his feelings for you, so he's denying them and pretending it's all you."  
  
"No, please!" Chandler blocked the door in a panic. "Please leave."  
  
Carol said, "Chandler, just get out of the way. Trust us, we know more about this stuff than you do. We'll get you both through it."  
  
Susan added, "What are you so scared of? If we're right, he loves you too, and you can be happy together."  
  
"But what if you're wrong? I mean, all those women he's been with--"  
  
"But he kissed you anyway, and you told us all the moments you've had with him before. He obviously feels something for you."  
  
"But it didn't mean anything to him. He said--" Chandler choked up and slid down to the floor miserably. "And if you're wrong, then what? He rejects me again? He's mad at me for bringing you here and he kicks me out and never wants to see me again?"  
  
"That wouldn't happen--"  
  
"It would!" Chandler moaned. "I just, I can't take it. When he said all that stuff to me, it hurt so much. And him going back and sleeping with that girl Amber--it was, it was the worst--" He broke down into tears.  
  
Carol and Susan knelt down with him and hugged him. 


	11. Lessons Learned

Joey stood there, listening to Chandler sobbing beyond the door and feeling terrible. After a moment's hesitation, Joey unlocked the door and pulled it open.  
  
Chandler fell backwards into his apartment, and they were all startled.  
  
Kneeling down, Joey pushed Carol and Susan away and pulled Chandler into his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"  
  
Chandler was confused and worried, having hoped that Joey wasn't home. "Did you, did you hear all that?"  
  
Joey nodded and repeated, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm so sorry." He kissed Chandler's cheek and held him close.  
  
Chandler didn't know what to say, but he clung to Joey and his tears subsided.  
  
Susan asked, "What exactly are you sorry about, Joey? Kissing him? Denying it? Telling him it didn't mean anything?"  
  
Joey shrugged and looked uncertain. "I guess... I guess everything. Um, what you guys said in the hall--I was afraid and pretending it wasn't me? Could you tell me some more?"  
  
"Sure, Joey." Carol smiled and glanced at Susan cheerfully. "Come on, why don't we all go sit down in the living room and talk this over?"  
  
"Okay." Joey slowly stood up with Chandler, while Susan shut the door, then they all went to sit on the yellow couch.  
  
Joey kept his arm around Chandler, who sat close and looked adoringly at him. Was his love was returned after all?  
  
Susan cleared her throat and began the discussion, "So, Joey, what do you want to know?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "Um, well... Like, how come you guys were so certain that I wasn't straight? I mean, I didn't know myself, and I'm still really confused."  
  
"Well, that's completely understandable, Joey. It's just, that line you used--I was drunk when I did it, so it didn't mean anything--it's the oldest excuse in the book."  
  
Carol nodded, "Yeah. A lot of times, true feelings come out when you're drunk and uninhibited. Plus, if it was really only the alcohol that made you kiss Chandler, then why'd you purposely avoid getting drunk? It's like you already knew what you'd do if you did get drunk."  
  
Joey sighed. "Yeah, I kissed him at New Year's, you know, and sometimes at parties after that, I thought about kissing him again. I told myself it was just the beer, though."  
  
Susan folded her arms knowingly, "Well, beer can only be blamed so many times before the repetition has to mean something."  
  
"I guess so." He turned to Chandler and confessed, "I-I've never kissed a guy like that before. Not even auditioning for some movie. It was weird and scary, and you were engaged and everything. It was too much."  
  
Chandler hugged him. "I didn't mean to scare you, Joe. I just--God, I wanted you to keep kissing me. And I didn't want to be with Monica anymore. Just you."  
  
"Chandler..." Joey sighed and gazed into his eyes, then he leaned close and kissed him softly.  
  
Chandler responded wholeheartedly.  
  
Then Joey sat back and asked Carol and Susan, "Does this mean I'm gay too?"  
  
Carol answered with a shrug, "Maybe. Or you could be bisexual, and repressing part of your desires. We'd have to do some exploring to figure it out for sure."  
  
Susan added, "We have some books on coming out that might help you guys, and there's always the support groups that we were telling Chandler about today. One thing's certain at least--you're not just two straight friends."  
  
"No, we aren't," Joey admitted. He looked at Chandler and hugged him remorsefully, "I'm sorry I said that stuff to you. That I hurt you and blamed you. I-I never even slept with Amber again. I just couldn't do it, not after our kiss."  
  
"You couldn't?" Chandler was touched, and laid his head on Joey's shoulder. "I mean something to you?"  
  
Joey nodded and wondered whether it was wise to tell Chandler about his other attempts at sleeping with women lately. Maybe later, in private. "You--you mean everything to me, Chandler. If I ever lost you--even as just as a friend--"  
  
"Me too." Chandler sighed and clung to him, remembering happily how he and Joey had discussed their future together. They both wanted to stay in each other's lives no matter what--whether the obstacle was Monica, or the distance from New York to L.A.  
  
Carol and Susan smiled smugly, seeing that their suspicions were right after all; these two were in love. Susan asked, "Do you guys want us to go and leave you two alone?"  
  
"Wait, um..." Joey frowned. "How come I slept with all those girls before? I thought I liked them."  
  
"Sure, you could have genuinely liked them," Carol said. "Or, if you're gay like Chandler, you could have just been that deep in the closet. Chandler's had girlfriends too, and I was married to Ross for years before I came out. It happens."  
  
Susan nodded. "And the fact that you never settled down in a serious relationship could mean something too, Joey. It's like, you had to prove to yourself all the time that you were *so* straight, and you hated any part of you that wasn't. Or you wanted to keep up a macho reputation for other people, but still never have to keep a girl for long."  
  
"Yeah," Carol said. "I mean, you grew up in a Catholic family, Joey, and you knew that your parents would expect you to settle down and get married. This way, you could put things off indefinitely and never have them be suspicious."  
  
Joey considered that. "Yeah, that makes sense, I guess."  
  
Susan shrugged. "Well, you'll know better once you have a chance to do some soul searching. You and Chandler should go to the support groups together. Talk stuff out. It'll be good for both of you. Oh, and maybe you'd like to contact Chandler's dad too."  
  
"Really?" Chandler asked, not entirely convinced despite their earlier efforts to persuade him on that subject.  
  
Susan rolled her eyes. "It doesn't mean that you have to move to Vegas and dress in drag!"  
  
Joey blinked and laughed at the absurd image. "That would be weird, huh?"  
  
"Yeah," Chandler said and kissed Joey again. At least Joey didn't expect him to follow exactly in Mr. Bing's footsteps. Chandler had decided that he wanted to loved and accepted the way he was already.  
  
Carol glanced at her watch. "Oh, we're gonna have to go now. We've already spent way too much time today dragging all the details out of Chandler and arguing our way over here."  
  
Susan got up too. "Yeah, the babysitter's expecting us any minute now. Just call us if you need anything else or want to talk for a bit, okay? Bye."  
  
The guys said goodbye too and waved to them as they left.  
  
Then Chandler asked Joey, "You really didn't sleep with Amber?"  
  
"No. Not last night."  
  
"Then where were you all night?"  
  
"I went back to my boat and thought about you a lot. But I-I still didn't want to think that I could be gay yet. It wasn't until I heard you crying that I realized how much I ached to hold you and kiss you again."  
  
Chandler kissed him and sighed. "Oh, Joe, I love you." But then he grew anxious. "I mean, um--I shouldn't have said that again. I don't want to scare you--"  
  
Joey shook his head and kissed him back. "You're--you're not scaring me. Not anymore." They embraced and leaned back against the couch, kissing each other over and over.  
  
The chick and the duck were pleased to see their owners together at last, and they clucked happily and flapped their wings in celebration. 


	12. Back to the Boat

In the moonlight, Joey and Chandler returned to the marina together. They walked closely along the pier and were a bit nervous. Since they had fallen in love, this was the first time that they'd decided to have sex and properly consummate their relationship. It was all so new to them both, and they weren't sure if they were entirely ready yet, after all the years that they'd each slept with women.  
  
Joey had been the one to suggest a return to his boat, to have the romantic night that they ought to have had after the bachelor party.  
  
Chandler carried the photo album that Joey had given him, while Joey carried a picnic basket packed with a nice dinner for two. Even if they weren't able to go through with it tonight, they could at least have a romantic date and reminisce on all their years together.  
  
It was nice to get away for a while from all the worries about Monica, and coming out, and reconciling with parents. Tonight would be just about themselves and their love. The rest of the gang were comforting Monica and dealing with the new announcement that Joey returned Chandler's feelings after all. Hopefully, Monica would recover and soon have a new love of her own, then the six friends could move beyond this awkward phase and be happy as a group again.  
  
Arriving at the *Mr. Bowmont*, Joey hopped aboard first and set down the picnic basket, then he helped Chandler come across too. They stood there, lingering for a moment in each other's arms. Joey kissed Chandler tenderly, then suggested that they retire to the cabin.  
  
Taking the picnic basket with them, they went inside and sat down together. Joey spread out the blanket and lit the candles. Then they opened the wine and had dinner. They talked a lot and kissed and looked through the photo album together, wondering why they'd never admitted their feelings before.  
  
Chandler confessed that he'd occasionally wondered whether he was gay, ever since his father's coming out, and once, in Atlantic City, he'd even kissed some guy in a bar, only to chicken out and tell Ross that he'd done it only because he was drunk and mistook the guy for a girl.  
  
"And you kissed Ross later at my birthday party," Joey added.  
  
Chandler nodded. "I wish I'd kissed you."  
  
"Me too. It--it could have been us in that storage room."  
  
"Yeah. You know, when I told your sister I could really fall for her, I was really thinking about you."  
  
Joey smiled and was touched. "Don't tell Mary Angela that. Or any of my family. Cookie would punch both of us."  
  
"And your dad would try to kill me, I bet."  
  
Joey laughed and kissed him. "It won't be like that. I promise." Whenever they were ready to tell the Tribbianis, Joey was determined to get his family to accept Chandler, no matter how much work it took.  
  
Finally, Joey blew out the candles and packed up the picnic again, putting it and the photo album aside as Chandler pulled out a sleeping bag and unrolled it. He wasn't sure if he should get out the other sleeping bag as well, just in case, but Joey ended that dilemma by embracing Chandler and whispering, "I wanna sleep with you tonight, even if we don't... you know."  
  
They kissed again and started to undress. This time, Joey didn't mind the way that Chandler stared at his nakedness, and they quickly got into the sleeping bag together, snuggling close in the darkness.  
  
"Remember the shower?" Chandler whispered, running his hands all over Joey's body.  
  
Joey nodded and kissed him. "If I hadn't been in so much pain, I might have noticed the way you touched me. I might have touched you back."  
  
Chandler shook his head skeptically. "Or maybe you'd pass out because of the hernia. Then what would I do?"  
  
Joey chuckled. "Anything you want."  
  
They kissed each other warmly and started fooling around inside the sleeping bag. Chandler sighed and closed his eyes. "This is... definitely not because you're drunk."  
  
"Definitely," Joey agreed and toyed with Chandler's responsive nipples. "Too bad you got rid of the third one, huh?"  
  
Chandler laughed and bit Joey playfully. He realized that there was an advantage to their both being guys; they were already in familiar territory here.  
  
Up until Monica's instruction, Chandler had always found himself sexually inadequate with women, having so little opportunity to study or practice on their "equipment" so to speak. Being gay meant that he already knew all the nuances of his own equipment and merely had to apply that personal knowledge to Joey.  
  
So for once, Chandler wasn't sexually inept compared to Joey, and he enjoyed the added confidence. Any move that pleased or aroused himself would probably do the same for Joey.  
  
"Oh God, Chandler!"  
  
He smiled and murmured, "I love you, Joe."  
  
"I love you too," Joey answered with a kiss. He certainly didn't regret giving up women now, breasts and all. He sighed, "Oh, I wanna fuck you so hard."  
  
"Do it," Chandler said eagerly.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yeah. Show me some Joey love."  
  
Joey shrugged. "Okay, but tell me if I hurt you. We can do something else."  
  
Chandler just kissed him and asked, "Where'd you put the condoms?"  
  
"In my coat over there. Wait a sec." He unzipped the sleeping bag and got out to retrieve the condoms and lubricant. When he returned, he said, "You really don't have to, for me."  
  
"I know." But he rolled over invitingly and added, "This doesn't mean that I don't get to do you too."  
  
Joey blinked at that thought, then said, "Okay."  
  
Getting back into the sleeping bag, but leaving it unzipped this time, Joey started out slow, trying to make sure that Chandler really wanted this. Since Chandler did respond favorably to some finger probing, Joey worried less and decided to go ahead.  
  
Kissing Chandler's back all the while, Joey made love to him, and they both enjoyed it immensely. They certainly fogged up the windows of the cabin that night.  
  
The End  
  
[Assume that Monica goes back to Richard, hooks up with Rachel, or marries whoever you want. She's happy, and the whole gang gets back to being friends. Sorry, but I just didn't feel like working out the other characters' plots this time.  
  
If the "equipment" observation sounds familiar, it's derived from an episode of the British show *Coupling*, though I think I've heard the sentiment elsewhere too.  
  
Oh, and Chandler probably reconciles with his dad, and Joey finds a way to break the news to his family. Happily ever after, like always.] 


End file.
